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The Classic Chauffeur
"How about your chauffeur?
You are sure he is a good one?"
The best limousine is only as good as
the chauffeur who drives it.
This was understood most keenly in the early days, as expressed in 1922
by a Monsieur de Saunier,
"One sometimes finds an able
chauffeur making of a bad machine a
presentable instrument; one more often finds an ignorant chauffeur transforming
an excellent automobile into a metallic heap."
The Benevolent Chauffeur...
The Proper Chauffeur took great pride in his
vehicle’s care, and an owner would
expect nothing less. One day Frederick W. Vanderbilt asked his chauffeur to display
the motor of his Crane-Simplex limousine to a friend. "Douglas, show him the
motor,"
Vanderbilt commanded. "I’m afraid it’s a little dirty," apologized
the worried
chauffeur, as it had just been on the road. Nevertheless, he opened the hood
as instructed. "Dirty!" exclaimed the visitor,"My gad, that’s
wonderful!"
That chauffeur, Douglas Crapser, described
the ultimate polish:
"That’s something I prided in. I was awful fussy, because that Simplex --
that was
a showpiece when he and I traveled. Because you had your copper jackets, you know,
and your pipes and yourcarburetor, and always kept them so when you raised
the hood you could look right in there and comb your hair, if you had to."
World's Greatest Chauffeur, "Prescott"
(Courtesy of Chirs Axelrod)
The Malicious Chauffeur: Old School
A. B. Filson Young couldn’t find a good
chauffeur, a problem
every modern limousine operator might appreciate. Mr. Young wrote,
"Much of the horror of motoring is centered in the chauffeur; it is his
convenience
that must be consulted, it is he who gives the word to stop and go on, he who
decides that you must sleep at Coventry when you had decided to go on to
Shrewsbury... he finds it necessary to go fast when you would like to go slowly...
You may not make plans without consulting him; he is ruthless in his
discouragements; he spends your money with a fine liberality... he smokes
the vilest cigarettes - there seems to be a brand especially blended for
chauffeurs; he eats and drinks expensively...in a word,
he is a bane and a shadow on your life."
And that was just the "Idle
Chauffeur."
The "Industrious Chauffeur" could be far worse:
"...often an enthusiast in spectacles, with the manners of a student of
divinity...
and an incorrigible tendency tomisfortune. It is he who... stays up all night
wrestling with the magneto, has it remounted by nine in the morning, arrives,
bleared, unwashed, but smiling... when he goes to start the car, finds he has
forgotten to put in the bushes... [It is he who] runs over a baby in the attempt to
save a chicken’s life; he who has a widowed mother and invalid sister,
so that you are ashamed to discharge him... he who has involved
you in an expense of £30 for a renewal, because
he did not like to incur the ^5 for a repair."
American and English chauffeurs are:
"too often odd-job men, failures at other trades...
the French chauffeur is not to be recommended to ordinary people.
Germans are better; but unless you have a Mercedes car I do not
even recommend a German... a bad class of man is attracted
to work of this kind, which seems to offer unlimited
opportunities for idleness and shirking."
- A. B. Filson Young, 1906
The Malicious Chauffeur: Modern Style
"To Whom It May Concern:
It has been with distinct and total distress that Stanley has been my
chauffeur for the past two years. He has driven me to my house, from my house,
to the airport, from the airport, to the office, to the parking lot by my office, to my
client’s office, to my attorney’s office, to my wife’s attorney’s
office, back to the
airport, to the motel room that I’ve been living in since I was kicked out of
my house, from jail a couple of times, and to the local bar from where
I now write. In fact, he has driven me absolutely crazy.
On all of these opportunities, Stanley
has been routinely surly, often hungover,
occasionally rude, and repeatedly ignorant. He is insupportable. He never missed a
yellow light. He ignored every stop sign. He inspired many an elevated middle finger
from startled pedestrians and enraged drivers. He was always late. He cuts off
school buses. Additionally, Stanley has subjected me to meaningless and
annoying conversation. His political views are not only worthless,
but vulgar and dumb. He is a liar. He wears white socks.
In that he desires new employment, it is my fondest desire that he find another
job and stay there, away from me. Anything I might add to that end would be
happily provided. I will even lie and declare his loyalty, efficiency,
and pleasant countenance."
- A Sad-isfied Customer
(Dedicated to the "Serial Chauffeur," Stanley
Grabowski)
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